so i realized

i havent written things in a long time that actually reflect how i feel

and right now, I feel like total hell.

school is sucking and grades arent great and i have so much work i have to do in the next two weeks. no idea how i will ever get it all done.
cheerleading also is not.. well its just not.   1. what i expected, 2. like last year, 3. making me happy.
boy spectrum sucks. well the boy sucks. well not sucks. I suck. it is just not where i thought it would be.  had a rough night last night. it got better, but for a while it was tough.

just the irony of life. losing my idealist thoughts is breaking me down. I hate the fact that I have no idea who I am right now. cause I sure as hell am not the same person I was a year ago. and I don’t hate it, it is just a new skin for me and i feel all squirmy and lost and alone. i guess this is what a mid life crisis is like? or maybe just a part of growing up.

my photography is currently sucking too. or my picture taking, hardly photog. so who knows.

here is callie right now,… ____
\
\
\.

trying to find my way back to sanity and consistency and happiness/contentment with myself.  looking to god. but confused as to where he says things about getting back on my feet. for present life. looking to eternal life is just confusing right now. idk.

the end. swear im not going to slit my wrists. haha

 

a couple of social thoughts

walking around campus has made me think about some people things.

1. why is it that in colllege, a lot of people forget their manners. whenever I go to the atrium to get food, it is rare to hear a please or thank you or have a good day to the ladies who ring us up. I know it’s their job, but it feels like a lot of people just ignore the fact that they are people, and just might need a few kind words to brighten their day.

2. i also really have gotten in to photographing strangers. i know that might seem a little weird, but I always find people I do not know in a crowd to be captivating.  certain behaviors, like people running to others to say hi and give a hug always makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

3. on the other hand, I was reading one day in this big building near the stairs, and I heard this couple having a very sad conversation. well not sad, but it made me sad. they were arguing about something, but not thinking rationally at all, and completely ignoring the fact that there were people all around them. I wish people could take the time to slow down and collect their ideas before they use hurtful words that don’t improve situations at all.

4. as much as I love my music, I feel retarded sometimes when I yell someones name and they dont hear me. hahahaaa.

5. text messaging has gotten out of hand. even for myself. I wish people (including me) wouldnt be so reliant/expentant to hear the phone ring. there are people all around.

6. I strive to be happy. but it can be hard sometimes.  being with people makes me happy, but sometimes I feel that the people that make me the most happy are not sure what they want from the situation. kinda like there is this wonderful boy who is so much fun, and have a great time, but where to go from here? cause i wouldnt mind progression and we act like it, but we arent. why? and why do I worry about it so much?

 

i used to be really idealistic, ad I think that college and experience has started pulling me back to earth. I think that my expectations for other people have been lowered, even though there is still that part of me that is disappointed when its not what I expect. so my heart/mind is currently in disequilibrium I guess.

anyhowwww, still working on my 365. on like 189 or something today? check it out. flickr.com/photos/cekirsch/

I swear im going to do this this month

November 2009 Scavenger Hunt

1. A logical next step (Please tag as msh1109-1 and msh1109)
2. Are we there yet? (msh1109-2 and msh1109)
3. Catawampus (msh1109-3 and msh1109)
4. Dot com (msh1109-4 and msh1109)
5. Going green (msh1109-5 and msh1109)
6. Hot Spot (msh1109-6 and msh1109)
7. I decided I´d go as ____ for Halloween … (msh1109-7 and msh1109)
8. Illusion (msh1109-8 and msh1109)
9. Manic Monday (msh1109-9 and msh1109)
10. One lump or two? (msh1109-10 and msh1109)
11. Red Hair Day (msh1109-11 and msh1109)
12. Rich Dad (msh1109-12 and msh1109)
13. Shed light (msh1109-13 and msh1109)
14. Taarrrrrrrzaaan! (msh1109-14 and msh1109)
15. … to the kittens (msh1109-15 and msh1109)
16. Thanksgiving / Giving Thanks (msh1109-16 and msh1109)
17. ´This is no picnic for me either, buster.´ (msh1109-17 and msh1109)
18. Wanderlust (msh1109-18 and msh1109)
19. When one door closes, another opens … (msh1109-19 and msh1109)
20. Wstfgl? (msh1109-20 and msh1109)

hey shawnie boy

would love to see some pictures from the gallery!!!

hi world

I know I have been away for a while. I have been using flickr as my blog means.  I have been doing well lately on a happiness factor, but have not been doing well on a school productivity level. Im at that time that happens every year where I just go into why am I at school? mode. I cant concentrate in class, and have lost the ambition to do the necessary work outside of class. how do I fix that? will share a few shots from life lately to show you whats up.

hope everyone is having a great friday. love.

updates

have been blogging-ish on  my flickr lately. just seems more fitting with the 365 to document my life.

I did shitty on septembers list. gonna try at MSH again.

1. Tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all? (Please tag as msh1009-1 and msh1009) [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3KBuQHHKx0] BAHAHAHA
2. Doctor? Doctor? Doctor! (msh1009-2 and msh1009)  bruises
3. Charge! (msh1009-3 and msh1009)
4. Un Cadeau (msh1009-4 and msh1009)  [gift/preset]
5. What have the Romans ever done for us?! (msh1009-5 and msh1009)
6. Always look on the bright side of life. (msh1009-6 and msh1009)
7. Yoghurt (msh1009-7 and msh1009)
8. But she *has* got a wart! (msh1009-8 and msh1009)
9. …so absolutely HUGE! (msh1009-9 and msh1009)
10. Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! (msh1009-10 and msh1009)
11. You sons of silly persons!! (msh1009-11 and msh1009)
12. What is your favorite colour? (msh1009-12 and msh1009)
13. You look like a milkman to me. (msh1009-13 and msh1009)
14. Have I got a big nose, mum? (msh1009-14 and msh1009)
15. And get the machine that goes PING! (msh1009-15 and msh1009)
16. Well, this is a temperate zone… (msh1009-16 and msh1009)
17. `tis merely a flesh wound. (msh1009-17 and msh1009)
18. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! (msh1009-18 and msh1009)
19. Averting our eyes, oh lord. (msh1009-19 and msh1009)
20. And finally, a wafer thin mint! (msh1009-20 and msh1009)

until next time.

whats your biggest fear?

talking to one ofmy friends about life. he says “big fear. okay go.”

i pick 3.

being alone. for like forever

letting people down.

my parents dying. or grandparents. or anyone close.

im not scared to die. just dont want the people  I care about to go. selfish? maybe? but how I feel.

what about you? what are you most fearful of?

notes took on the car ride back to raleigh

got a new phone today. pretty cool. Grandpa had a triple bypass today. was really nervous about it all day. ended up making another quick trip home to see him. Family from AL/GA were there. that was nice surprise. football game in the evening. looking forward to pyramids and stunts. Rob started high dose chemo (again). keeping him and his family in prayers.

OKAYY so a little bit of an explanation…phone took a dip in a water puddle from a cup like a couple of months ago. finally started acted up like yesterday. then the screen turned white. I wanted to cry. after an hour of sitting and waiting (and wishing haha) at the verizon store, I had my phone. and was late to get my sister. awesome. but got home and saw aunt and triplets and uncle and cousins and gma and parents and sibs. so it was a good day. off to bed. its so late.

sooo

I told myself I was going to do this yesterda.y

this week has been a week of transition. teaching myself what I want and what I need.I know that I do indeed need good friends. I think I am finding/recovering some damn good ones.

ariel: best friends for like life. didnt really talk to her much last year, but we have definitely been leaning a lot on eachother lately. been nice to have someone from home who actually cares back. it’s nice

alex/zack: met them last year. fellow carroll hall-ians. fun boys to be around. very kind also. I think I probably bug them a lot. I go hang out in their rooms and then realize its like 230, and proceed to crash on the futon. haha. two quality boys.

Chase: on the cheerleading team with me. I can talk to him about anything. know that he’d do anything for me, and I would do the same. one of those people who everyone loves because his personality is so welcoming.

Lauren: also on the cheerleading team- freshman. such a sweet girl.

big brother: know I can always talk to him.

(more than this, just almost 4 AM.)

I think  I understand the difference in strengths of friendships in HS and college- you can really pick who you want to and dont want to hang out with in college. it’s nice

my grandpa is having a triple bypass tomorrow. pray for a good surgery/speedy recovery please

september :)

wowww. FIRST FOOTBALL GAME TOMORROWWW!!!! GO PACKKKK!!! beat the cocks. hahahah.

new list for scavenger hunt. almost finished the last one. thats my goal for septiembre.

1. Saved by the bell (Please tag as msh0909-1 and msh0909)
2. Acceptance (msh0909-2 and msh0909)
3. Bella Detesta Matribus (msh0909-3 and msh0909)  (Wars are the dread of mothers).
4. Mug (msh0909-4 and msh0909)
5. Cassava (msh0909-5 and msh0909) The flour made of the roots is called tapioca. (bubble tea)
6. Tongue-tied (msh0909-6 and msh0909)
7. Hats, hats, hats (msh0909-7 and msh0909)
8. Bun in the oven (msh0909-8 and msh0909)
9. Halal (msh0909-9 and msh0909)  like kosher
10. Race Day (msh0909-10 and msh0909)
11. Autumn (msh0909-11 and msh0909)
12. Skid lid (msh0909-12 and msh0909) (like a motorcycle helmet, army hat)
13. Copper (msh0909-13 and msh0909)
14. Sleeping dogs (msh0909-14 and msh0909)
15. Stargazer (msh0909-15 and msh0909)
16. Bodacious (msh0909-16 and msh0909)
17. Baby animal (msh0909-17 and msh0909)
18. Hunky Dory (msh0909-18 and msh0909)
19. Magnetic (msh0909-19 and msh0909)
20. Blackout (msh0909-20 and msh0909)